The other day I was listening to Jean-Yves Thibaudet's cd, The Chopin I Love, and was reminded of something I've been meaning to write about for a while. The disc opens with the so-called Heroic Polonaise, a well-known and widely-loved tune that, despite its merits, torments me whenever I hear it. It has a terrific theme that swells from the recitative and climbs into high drama, where it lingers for some time thrilling the masses and invigorating the children. The trouble is that all I've been able to hear for the past few years is the story of Oliver Cromwell as sung by Monty Python. As the music crescendos, John Cleese lets loose a psychotic wail: "Oooooooliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England..." and once you get that in your bean, there's quite frankly no going back.
Other pieces have been ruined for me as well. A short list, drawn off the top of my head, includes the following: Victor Borge's take on Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto #1, in which he not only meanders through tunes such as For He's a Jolly Good Fellow and My Darling Clementine, but also does a little dissonant exploration in the neighborhood of Db major; the overture to Il Trovatore which I now expect to have morph into Take Me Out to the Ballgame, thanks to the Marx Brothers' efforts in A Night at the Opera; Ride of the Valkyries = Kill Da Wabbit, courtesy of Elmer Fudd; and many efforts by Alan Sherman, most notably his famous parody of Ponchielli's Dance of the Hours in the form of Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh. There are non-comedic examples as well, particularly those involving mistakes that I've heard so many times I've come to accept them as the correct way to play the piece. Take for instance Fritz Kreisler's flat Db half-way through his transcription of Tchaikovsky's Andante Cantabile. Or Gil Shaham botching the fifth note of Korngold's Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D major. I'm sure that with enough time and inclination I could come up with a fairly lengthy list, but I have no intention of doing that. If anything, I'm trying to purge my memory of these things in the hope that I might someday sit through Il Trovatore without seeing Harpo Marx stick a piece of sheet music to the back of a violinist's head with a piece of chewing gum. It could happen. I just hope it does so sooner rather than later.

